Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Men Tell No Tales - C

Quick Hit: Desperately attempting to fix all the things that were wrong in the previous entry, there is a gentle reboot here that ties up several loose ends but fails to capture all the magic.

After hearing that they were going to make another Pirates movie, I was pretty disappointed. That’s because the last movie had turned into such a sinking ship (sorry guys, I had to do it).  I knew I would have to see it thought, because let’s be real, I’d invested nearly ten hours of my life in the Pirates movies, and if anything, I thought that Captain Jack Sparrow needed a send-off.

And frankly, at times, you get that. Captain Jack’s introduction is a breath of fresh air in the series. It’s just a tiny bit better than the cream puff scene I mentioned in the last one. He and his group of rag tag pirates steal a bank. Like… the entire bank. It’s memorable, funny, and over-the-top, like the series at its best of times. Unfortunately, the scenes like this are limited entirely, and in one, the series literally jumps the shark. Or the undead, zombie shark, if you prefer.

NOT JOKING.

The new series baddie is back to being supernatural. It’s Javier Bardem dressed up in CGI, and consistently saying “Sparrowwwwwwwwww” in his best creepy voice. It’s really not as cool as it sounds. In fact, I didn’t really understand the bad guy’s arc at all. It had something to do with a triangle that sounded kind of like the Bermuda Triangle, but not really. Another thing that I did like though was the return and completion of the story arc of Barbossa. It essentially allows the character to come full circle and become the most dynamic character in the series. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Jack.

Sparrrrrrowwwwwwww. Oh ... the take is over? Ok.

Depp’s portrayal of Jack used to be the best part of the series. Luckily here, they again try to turn him into a side piece, and it works somewhat. The problem is that I feel like Depp doesn’t really remember how to play Sparrow. At times he falls almost into Hatter speak from Alice in Wonderland, and other times he loses some of his accent entirely. He no longer seems drunk, despite the fact he is consistently drunk. It’s disappointing, because at times you can tell he finds the thread again, and things pull together fantastically. Other moments are regrettably, just a bit sad.

There is a bit of a plot here, even if it is threadbare. It involves new characters that all have connections to the old ones, which normally I don’t like – but here I thought was fitting. The whole movie seems to end and tie up everyone’s arcs, which I really enjoyed. There was also just enough cameos from the old cast to make it feel like a series again instead of just a standalone movie. And…then… because… the people that make the Pirates films hate us… there is an after-credit scene.

Me trying to get out and not watch the after credits scene.

I’m not going to explain it (there are other places on this wide expanse of knowledge that we call the internet you can find the spoilers if you want them), but suffice it to say that it sets up yet another sequel if sufficient interest is made in it. Please, if there is anyone reading this with any power, please let this stop. Let an ending just be an ending.

I will say this - I didn't really think I needed an explanation for Jack Sparrow's name and outfit and collection of random stuff hanging on his head. However, I actually didn't mind it, and thought it was pretty interesting. And I thought they did a good job of finding someone that looked like a young Jack Sparrow. So, thanks for that. And Paul McCartney cameos here, and I liked that soooo much better than Richards.

Dead Man’s Chest is entertaining at times, but ultimately simply an average blockbuster. I’m giving it a “C”.

Thanks for joining us for Pirates weeks. We really enjoyed it, and I know I love themed weeks. If you have any ideas for theme weeks, please send us an e-mail or drop us a line in the comments. See you soon - sequels week is only a few weeks away!

For more on this movie check out IMDB.